So I wanted to go out with a bang

Just a short one (cause I really need to get to school). I was feeling like venting because of my performance yesterday, I htought, was so bad. I'm still glad I got it out my system, but I'm wondering was it did I really need to do that anyway? I didn't sing so well and conceptually the context felt really awkward. For the performance I sang "How Great Is Our God" while playing my guitar. It lasted kind of long, but that's ok....but I kinda wish it didn't. It just sucks struggling as an artist/christian/person trying to figure out and give in to doing exactly what you like and need. It sucks not being affective in the way you dream of (unifying people), but rather affective in making people uncomfortable... Was never my goal. So that's just where I have perceived myself to be unsuccessful. It happens.Best thing is to just get up when you fall. And keep believing, even when all the optimistic talk sounds so cliche that you wonder if it's true.

I have a friend, Michelle, who has seemingly dedicated to believe in and stand behind her art no matter what. So if people like it or even if they don't, she's always gonna love it. I hope someday soon I too can reach beyond believing I need people to validate the success of my work or even of my life. Since I've been here at SFAI (in San Francisco), a lot of my performance work has dealt with me attempting to connect with people...sometimes more than others on a really affectionate level. I'm tired of trying. I give up. I "give it over to Jesus, and I stop worrying about it. Gave it over to the Lord. He worked it out." God knows my heart. I'm gonna trust him with where I'm going. I'm thinking if only I would have let go a bit and just done the (bright,colorful, crazy, bombastic) work I love to do (knowing truely that God loves and approves of , and will guide me) all that social "experiential" stuff would come with it. I could look back on all my efforts and failures at trying something new and cry at how much I think they sucked, or I could be thankful that I got through that part. I can be proud that I tried. I stuck my arms, head and legs outside of the box enough to clearly see what I really want. All that's left now is to go for it!
I'm alright!
Aaah no downward spiral today. no!
I just really needed to vent.

I talked to J about how I hated my performance and how awkward it was, and she mentioned that possibly the reasons for me being moved to do it are not yet revealed. (I'm sometimes hesitant to mention "God" in the religious sense, now because I get a little confused or misunderstood)

It's helpful to know I'm not the only misunderstood person here in this dept:
I found out this morning: It's the national day of prayer. Obama allowed it to go forward today, despite the ruling of it being unconstitutional because of separations between church and state. There's no public ceremony. Obama's praying in private. You can read more here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20004321-503544.html

It may not be for some, but I could sure use to pray. But that would be any day. Not just today.
I just want some peace and knowledge of self. Peace peace peace. God bless us all.
Off to school now.